


How to Prepare For Your First Time: A Guide Promoting Healthy Intercourse

by FanaticDomainExpert



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: A Guide To Safe Sex, Communication, First Time, Gen, Morse Code, Night Vale, Sex, Sex Positive, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, did u know that night vale has more sex ed resources than your local american public school smh, safe words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 12:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10741590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticDomainExpert/pseuds/FanaticDomainExpert
Summary: According to this receipt you're currently examining, you bought this book from your local bookstore. You have no memory of this. You didn't even know youhada local bookstore.





	How to Prepare For Your First Time: A Guide Promoting Healthy Intercourse

** How to Prepare For Your First Time: A Guide Promoting Healthy Intercourse **

 

 **Step 1: Set The Mood**  
You want to achieve the perfect mood for Your First Time, and the best way to go about doing this is through lighting and sound. Make sure that the mandatory potted plant in your room is facing south and not emitting a harsh light. 

Alternative: If you don’t have a mandatory potted plant in your room, and instead have floating, luminescent orbs that hum the exact tune that you have stuck in your head and whisper to you about the terrible, monstrous fates that you and your loved ones could succumb to, consider moving out of your home and praying for forgiveness. If uprooting your entire life is not an option, a simple lemon-soaked tarp placed gently on top of each orb will do. They may be angry with you, but the citric acid in the lemon will appease them temporarily and prevent them from seeking vengeance until after Your First Time. 

In regards to sound, put on some music to match the ambiance of the room. Refrain from any Classic Rock songs. Research has shown that the orbs do not respond kindly to Classic Rock. 

Alternative: If music is not doable, try to surround yourself with gentle noises, such as the bleating of a goat or Latin incantations.

 

 **Step 2: Establish Your Boundaries**  
You and your partner should talk about sex before having sex. An open line of communication is key to a good First Time. Tell each other what you like and what you don’t like, and pick out a safe word from the Book of Safe Words - included in the package when you bought this book. Didn’t see it when you made your purchase? Don’t worry. It was definitely there. It wasn’t beamed down into your home when you were out running errands. Whaaaat?

Why are safe words are important? During Your First Time, it’s easy to get swept up in the moment, but remember: it's important to make sure everything that happens during Your First Time is consensual and will not take away the agency of either party.

Note: If you find it difficult or awkward for any of the above to be a conversation topic, you are not ready for Your First Time. It’s okay! Some people are not at the stage where they are ready to have sex. You never have to force yourself into something you aren’t ready for, and if your partner tries to coerce you into changing your mind, that’s rape. Get out of there ASAP - as safely as possible. 

 

 **Step 3: Use Contraceptives**  
_“Because the American Government is [redacted] providing students with knowledge of their own bodies and how to protect themselves from contracting a sexually transmitted infection, as well as how to avoid getting pregnant for citizens that have a uterus, this section of the guide is not necessary and in fact, illegal. Believe me, we tried.“_ \- the Night Vale Department of Health and Wellness

We at JadeEagle Publishing support the American Government. We approve of the American Government’s Sex Ed curriculum. We have nothing else of use to say about contraceptives, because everything of importance has already been taught in schools. We believe that “praying to any deity that will listen” is the best and only way to protect yourself.

\-- --- .-. . / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. / --- -. / -.-. --- -. - .-. .- -.-. . .--. - .. ...- . ... / -.-. .- -. / -... . / ..-. --- ..- -. -.. / .. -. / - .... . / .. -. ..-. --- .-. -- .- - .. --- -. / .-.. . .- ..-. .-.. . - / .-.. --- -.-. .- - . -.. / --- -. / .--. .- --. . / ..--- ...-- / --- ..-. / - .... . / -... --- --- -.- / --- ..-. / ... .- ..-. . / .-- --- .-. -.. ...

 

 **Step 4: Have Fun**  
Society has conditioned us to believe that Your First Time is supposed to perfect, or there’s something wrong with you. That’s not true - you’re inexperienced, you have no frame of reference to compare this to, your emotions are running high and so are your hormones. If it’s the most wonderful experience you’ve ever had, that's amazing and we're so happy for you - but don’t expect it to be! The most important thing is to remind yourself that Your First Time is not the be all and end all. Don’t stress too much - this is supposed to be fun. If you can’t laugh with your partner, you probably don’t want to be having sex with them.

 

 

 

And that’s it! That’s how to prepare for Your First Time. If you have further questions or concerns check out the FAQ at http://jadeeagle.com/how-to/first-time/FAQ or email us at jadeeaglepub@gmail.com. (Recently we’ve been receiving a lot of emails in our inbox about the floating orbs seeking vengeance - if you wanted to email us about that, our response is already in the FAQ. Please read it before you email us anything).

**_Be safe and good luck!_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated <3


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